Mother’s Day is like dark chocolate, its bitter sweet!
September 1981, it is spring and the weather is warm, I am 6 years old and my father picks my brother and I up from my grandmother’s house where we are being watched while my grandmother and father visit my mum in hospital. They return and tell us that our mum is now an angel, I was so excited that as soon as I got home I went straight to our neighbors to tell them my mum is an angel and will be watching over us forever, little did I know what this meant and how this would effect the rest of my life.
I grew up hating my mother for leaving us, for turning my father into an alcoholic and for the awful things that I was subjected to. I reckon it started when I was around 10 (maybe earlier), I started blossoming into a young girl, budding breasts and forming into shape, this was noticed by 1 person and the years of abuse went on. I hated my mother for this for many years, I blamed her for putting me in a position where my father was too drunk to see and was not there to stop it. For many years I rebelled, I took drugs, I did everything I could to remove myself from the situation or numb myself from the pain it caused. I moved out of home when I was 15, this was to save myself or I would have not survived. I returned on an off over the years however as I was older and the abuser was not in the picture anymore I was no longer at risk.
Then life changed again, it was like the earth turned on its axis, I was pregnant, my daughter was born when I was 21 and my whole existence became for a totally different reason. Although to be quite honest I was a mother well before my biological daughter was born, I became a mother to my other daughter many years before she came to live with me permanently, she is one of the most amazing loves of my life along with my other daughter.
It was not until I sought counselling that I was able to let go of the aggression I had for the world, not just my mother, but for my life, I then missed my mother, her birthday, Christmas and especially mother’s day, this day was meant to be about her, about us, about me celebrating her and what she does as a mother, but as a young person I never appreciated this, nor her, however today and with children of my own I appreciate everything she ever did for me, us and for the person I have become, without having some of her in me I would not have been brave enough to survive the years of abuse, heartache and torment. Today life is amazing, my daughters are my world and I cannot imagine life without them, my husband is my rock who accepts me for me and helps me through the challenges we face as parents and my mother plays a major part in my life even though she is physically not here.
Mother’s Day is bitter sweet!